God, How I missed you
by Thecastlefan101
Summary: Castle has been brooding for a year ever since Kate died from a bullet to the chest. He visits her grave every week and every week "she" is there. Castle can't help but think that she looks familar. She can't be alive? I held her lifeless body in my hands.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Please let me know what you think. This has been haunting my brain ever since this episode aired. Reviews are a necessity!**

* * *

"I love you Kate," his words swirl around his head. An endless pounding against his skull. He wishes he'd told her earlier. He wished he told her while she was still with him, still safe. But he didn't. He waited until a bullet was in her chest and she was breathing faintly on the ground.

Regret filled his entire body. He regretted not telling her how much he loved her before she stepped up to that podium. Before their argument, before that man with his gun took her away from him.

"She went into cardiac arrest. The doctors are doing everything they can," the doctor spoke to a group of people that were waiting at the hospital. "We weren't able to stop the bleeding. We couldn't save her."

Those words haunt him to this very day and that was over a year ago. He can't sleep without being drunk; he only eats when he's close to starvation. She's gone. His muse, his inspiration, his love.

He can't seem to get her out of his mind. The mysterious woman who always showed up at Kate's grave. Who was she? How did she know Kate? How come he didn't know about her?

The first time he laid eyes on her was at Kate's funeral eleven months ago.

* * *

_Jim Beckett was up on the podium giving the eulogy in the church. He was trying not to cry but broke down the minute he looked down at Kate's dead body right in front of him._

_"You will be dearly missed Katie. We all love you."_

_The Paul barriers carried her body up the hill underneath the weeping willow. They all watched as they lowered her body into the ground. Castle unable to control himself walked away, putting his back towards the ceremony._

_Tears streamed down his face and he wanted to kick himself for not saving her. He wasn't fast enough. Anther second and he would have saved her in time. She would still be here with him. And he could protect her. Keep her away from harm. But he wasn't fast enough._

_On the far side of the cemetery he saw her. Some woman dressed with eloquence, at the funeral. She had on a hat that helped shield her face from view. No one else seemed to notice her. He knew she saw him. And whenever he would try to approach her, she would disappear._

* * *

Castle dressed in a suit again to visit the love of his life. It seems like ever since she died the sky has been grey. It rained almost everyday. There were no clouds out and the wind was slightly chilly to day. Like the way it gets before it starts to rain.

Castle visits Kate's grave every Saturday. He tells her how sorry he is some days. Others he just sits with her, letting the silence speak for him. And almost every time he's there so is _she_. She's here now. And Castle caught a glimpse of her face.

"Oh my God," he whisperes. "It can't be."

He's not sure and he doesn't want to get his hopes up. But she looked just like…No. Don't do this to yourself Rick. The wind blew slightly harder, flicking his hair with it. The weeping willow blowing effortlessly above her grave, giving off a familiar scent.

Staring down at her from on top of the hill, she walks toward her car opens the door, and then stops. She looked up at him. Her hat no longer shielding her face, her bright red lipstick, embellishing her face with beauty. But she's still to far away. He can't make out any facial features. But he swears he sees her smile. That condescending smile that he's only use to seeing from one person.

He marches down the hill, and then she quickly jumps in her car and drives off before he can get to her. "Who are you?" he yells at the car.

Castle runs to the street and hails a cab. He tells the driver to follow her car. He hopes she doesn't know he's following her. He needs to see her face. To see who she is.

Castle couldn't have imagined that the sky could any greyer but as he as following this mystery woman its all the sky could do. Dark clouds were forming in the sky. A storm was coming.

Castle saw her get out of a car and head into an apartment building. He paid the cab driver and swiftly got out the car and followed her into the building. He tried to act calm as he was walking through the lobby so no one would ask if he belonged there. Thankfully no one did.

He saw her turn the corner and walk into the elevator. He tried to get on but was too late. Meanwhile she still had her head down, making sure the hat covered her face. He knows her. She's so familiar. Her body…

Without wasting anther second Castle darted up the stairs stopping briefly on every floor to hear an elevator ding. He finally heard the elevator ding on the fifth floor. He saw her walk out. This is as close to her as he's ever been before. And he can feel the magnetic pull of attraction between them. A feeling he knew all too well. He watched her walk. Long strides, her heels making a sound with every step she took. Her legs…endless. He's only seen them on one other person before.

"Hey," he called out to her.

She turned to him slightly. He saw her eyes. Hazel-green. They were gorgeous. But she started walking faster. Fast enough to get away from him.

"Don't," he pleaded. But it was too late she took off running down the hall. "Hey!"

Please don't let me be hallucinating, he thought. Please let this be her.

She turned anther corner, and his heart was racing. He thought it was going to beat out of his chest. But he didn't care. He needed to see her face. He needed to know…

He heard a door slam shut just as he turned the corner. He saw which door it was. He stood in front of it. Terrified. He was breathing out of control, his heart was hearting, and he couldn't slow down the thoughts that were racing through his mind. After a few moments he gathered the courage to knock on the door.

Bang, bang, bang.

He waited. No response. But he could feel her standing on the opposite side of the door. His heart beating uncontrollably, his breath frantic, his hands sweaty with anticipation. He knocked again.

When the door swung open his breath was taken away, his heart stood still, and he couldn't move. She was so beautiful. Her face so red, filled with life. He was speechless.

"Hi Castle," Kate said. She held her hand out to him to tug him into her apartment.

"What the hell?"

"I know."

Castle stood there in the middle of her apartment, which ironically, looked just like her original. He was unable to move, unable to speak. He was just so mesmerized. Her hair was now hanging down by her shoulder in small curls. Her hat was gone and her heels chucked somewhere across the room. She was wearing a dress. Nothing fancy but a short grey dress that hugged her frame and stopped just above her knees. Even still she was beautiful.

"Are you thirsty?" she asked him.

He shook his head yes. Still unable to speak.

So many thoughts were running through his mind. He was angry with her. Why did lie? How is she still alive? Who else knows? Was she here the whole time? Did she remember his confession to her when she was shot? Did she miss him? Who shot her? Did she know? He wanted to scream at her. He wanted her to feel the guilt he's been feeling ever since she "died."

Thunder started rumbling as Kate poured some water into a glass and handed to Castle. Their fingers brushed sending a wave of electricity through both of them. He knew she felt it. He knew because she looked up at him with those piercing eyes of hers. Those eyes he hasn't seen in what felt like a lifetime.

Kate stood against the counter sipping her glass of water. Quietly. Castle couldn't help but look as her lips pressed against the rim of the glass. He wanted to throw that cup across the room and replace it with his lips. But he couldn't.

"Are you gonna explain?"

"I think its best you don't know." How does she do this? How can she make him want her with just the slightest words, slightest movement of her mouth.

"No. Your gonna explain it. You owe me that much."

"Castle," she whispered.

"KATE!" he yelled throwing his glass behind him. The noise from the glass shattering against the floor brought to life a part of him that he thought died a long time ago. He hasn't been with anyone since she died, he didn't want to be with anyone but her. "How could you do this?" he repeated.

His breathing increased as he stared into her dark eyes. Filled with desire and aching need.

He pulled over to her, no, he ran to her planting his lips to hers. And it felt so good. His Kate, his love was alive and in his arms.

He kissed her with a deep passion that's been boiling inside his soul waiting to be unleashed. Their kisses deepened and began to burn hot with a fire they've been harboring for too long. Castle took his hands and ran them down her back stopping on her upper thighs. He squeezed them tight pushed her up against the refrigerator door.

"I watched you die," he said not slowing his actions down.

"I'm sorry."

Castle stopped and looked up at her. Both knew what this meant. What their unspoken words were saying. Until it wasn't enough for him. He needed to hear her say it.

"I missed you Castle."

And at the sound of those words leaving her lips Castle rested his head up against her chest. He started crying. "I missed you too. God how I missed you."


	2. Chapter 2

"I missed you too. God, how I missed you." He looked up at, staring deeply into her eyes. "But I need to know."

"I love you too. You have no idea how many times I've almost knocked on your door and wanted to jump into your arms. I knew I couldn't though. Not until I sorted a few things out." He never took his eyes away from hers as she spoke. Listening intently as she spoke what was on her heart. "When you told me that you loved me my immediate reaction was to scream it back at you. But I remembered that I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship. And I knew I had to get better and the only way to do that was to solve my mother's case. That's what I've done this entire year. And I'm so close. So close to getting the man who killed her."

"Kate, what aren't you telling me?"

She looked away from him and forced herself out of his arms to walk to the other side of her apartment. "The FBI put me in witness protection. Apparently it's working cause I haven't been caught yet. They've been helping me. He's the one who found the guy who did it."

"He?" Castle asked furrowing his eyebrows.

"Uh."

"Sorenson?" He managed to say before she could find an excuse.

"Yes. But it's not what you're thinking. He wanted to help. He wanted to make up for what he did to me. I told him he didn't have to but he was my only connection to the outside world." She regretted the words the second they left her lips. She couldn't handle looking at him for the storm she knew was coming.

"Only connection?!" he yelled. "Katherine Beckett I was here! I was here for you the whole time. When I said always I meant it! You could've have come to me and I would've been with you every step of the way."

"Castle I couldn't risk your safety. If you got-" she couldn't even say it. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself of something happened to you. If something happened to you all this would have been for nothing."

He could see it now. She was no longer solving her mother's murder for justice, but so she could live safely and be with him. That was her main goal.

"You still could've told me you were alive. I would have waited..." he said his voice much softer than before.

She walked over to him and placed her hands gently on his face. "I didn't want you to worry about me. That wouldn't have been fair. And I wanted you to live and move on and be happy."

"I wasn't happy without you. I realized after you were shot that you were my heart. And ever since then my hearts been aching."

She kissed him. No words could explain how much what he said touched her. She could never live up to his love for her. "I love you so much."

"I love you too Kate."

"But you gotta give me one more day. Just one and then I'm yours."

"Promise?" he asked desperately.

"Always."


	3. Chapter 3

She was going to be with Castle soon and she couldn't be more happy. She's been waiting for this since the day she's been shot. Probably even longer If she'll let herself admit she's been attracted to him since they met.

She's on top of the Empire State Building looking through her scope on her sniper rifle. She had Bracken in her line of fire. William H. Bracken, the man who had Dick Coonan kill her mother. After 13 years she had him. And he didn't even know it was coming.

Her heart was beating erratically and her palms were sweating. She's never been so nervous before.

"You got him yet?" Asked Sorenson.

"Yeah."

"Well are you going to take him out before he gets away?"

_Take him out._ It made her sound like she was a killer, an assassin. She was neither. But he, he deserved this. She wasn't just doing this for herself but for all the families who had to suffer from Bracken'S hand. She had to do this for them too.

"I just need a minute."

She wanted to do this. She finally had him. But every time she went to pull the trigger Castle came to mind. Would he still love me if I did this? Surely he would understand but would he be able to look at her the same? Could she live with herself if she deliberately took a life? Regardless of who it is? What would her dad think about his daughter turning into the same type of monster that took his wife away? She could pull the trigger.

"Will I-I can't do this. Not like this anyway."

"Kate we've worked so hard to get this far. You can't turn back now. He killed your mother, he tried to have you killed remember? Don't let him live anther day."

"Will I can't be like him. I'm not gonna kill every person who threatens me. Lets take him down differently."

"How do you expect to do that Kate? How long do you think it'll take? Probably anther year!"

"No," she said when she got an idea. "We know what he did. We've got the proof all we need to do is let it out."

She turned to face him. "Let's ruin his political career and send his ass to jail."

"Kate are you sure this is the way?" He asked his voice much softer.

"Yeah. This is the only way I could live with myself."

"Oh Kate," he said hugging her tightly. "Good for you."

Before she could register what was happening Sorenson had her face in his hands and he kissed her lightly across her lips. She had to use all he strength to get from out of his grip. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry I couldn't help myself."

"Your married now Will. And I-"

"You think he's more than interesting now don't you?"

She couldn't speak so she nodded. This wasn't how it was supposed to end for them. "Will thank you for all you've done. You have no idea how much it means to me."

He smiled because he knew that's all he could do. "Well were not quite finished yet. It's still early so maybe we can catch a reporter before they leave for the day."

Beckett smiled back at him and packed up her rifle. She was finally going to avenge her mothers murder. Finally.

* * *

After ditching the rifle in a storm drain 50 miles away from the city Beckett and Sorenson went to a thrift store and bought disguises. No reason for anyone to give a sketch to the police because they aren't doing anything illegal but the couldn't chance if they happened to be identified.

The time was 7:12 pm and they walked into _The_ _Times_ building. There was a security guard right there and they both knew they weren't going to be able to sneak past him. So Will offered to be a distraction while she snuck upstairs.

"Ralph is that you?" He shouted across the room to the guard. Beckett couldn't help the smile that was coming. He was going to risk being arrested for her. "Ralph my man!"

"Sir? This building is closed you need to leave."

"I haven't seen you since high school man. Oh and boy do you look good." The security guard looked about 310 pounds. But neither of them were going to take back what Will said.

Beckett used the moment the guard pinned Will down to the floor to make a run for it. She wasn't seen, thank God but she still didn't know if there were any reporters still in the building.

As she made her way from floor to floor she didn't find any one. Just more security guards. When she thought she was about to get caught she ran into the nearest ladies room to hide out. That's when she came across someone.

"Hello," Beckett greeted. The woman just smiled. "You're a reporter for the times right?"

"Yup. 4 years."

"How about a story that'll put you on top of everyone else?"

"Sure whatcha got?"

After Beckett finished explaining the story to the reporter she just stared at her as if she was waiting for an 'I'm joking.'

"You've got to be kidding me. No way that's real."

"It is and I advise you to take advantage of this opportunity now. Because by this time tomorrow Bracken will be in jail."

"Why do you want it in the paper?"

"Cause I want this to spread. It has to go all over and the _times_ is the best way to do that," Beckett explained.

"We'll see," the woman said before leaving.

* * *

Once Beckett made it out the building Will was waiting around the corner.

"Hey. Did you get one?"

"I hope so. What were you doing?"

"Oh nothing," he sang. "Just dropping off some evidence at the police station. At the 12th."

"Oh my goodness! Thank you so much!" she said hugging him. "Now all we have to do is wait."

* * *

She's nervous. It's seven am and she hasn't heard anything yet. Castle was on his way over soon and she wanted to show him the arrest on the news. And in the paper. But both had been silent. The paper usually came at five am but it was late.

_Today of all days?_

Will left last night to fly back to Europe to be with his wife. She could never thank him enough for all he's done for her. She owed him at least a visit. But that could wait. Right now she's waiting for Castle.

7:58. Two Mounties and GMA would start. They would have to have the story. A quiet knocked sounded on her door. She smiled widely.

"Castle!" She shouted when she opened the door. And it was him. His eyes were shining down on her and his smile was wide. She couldn't help herself when she jumped into his arms and kissed him Senseless. Then she saw the paper in his hand. All she read was 'William H. Bracken arrested.' She did it. She finally did it.

"I missed you. And now we can finally be together?"

"Yes. But I want to show you something."

She took his hand and led to the T.V so he could watch the story. "That's the man who killed your mother? And had you Shot?"

"Mhmm. I got him. I finally got him."

"Oh Kate," he exclaimed hugging her tightly. It felt good to have his arms around her. It'll been too long since she really touched him. But now they have the rest of their lives.

"So your coming out if hiding?"

"Yes. But not until tomorrow. today I wanna just stay in. With you."

He smiled brighter this time. "Of course. We have a lot of time to make up for."

"Oh Castle. You have no idea."

* * *

**A/N: let me know what you think! You want me to add or take away anything? Honest criticism please. It'll help me get better.**


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